Six months to a brand new me???

Okay, so the past couple of days haven't been the most favourite of my lifetime. Preparing for a colonoscopy will not make the Top Ten of Fun Life Experiences. It's a pretty amazing way to lose 2 kilos in about 5 minutes but I wouldn't recommend it.

But when you get to a certain age, all your bits start falling apart and your brain is the least of it. Routine maintenance which includes a camera up your clacker is not that many people's idea of a good time even if the Internet will tell you different.

But I'll tell you - there is some EVIL SHIT that they sell in chemists.  And that's not even pun intended. Although it works on some level.

Stuff that makes your proximity to a toilet very important indeed.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Where have all the emails gone...?

In a misguided effort to be the first cab off the rank, I signed up to switch my work laptop (which also acts, let's admit, as my home computer) to Windows 7. In a miscommunication with our IT Guy (some of my readers will know who he is), I lost about 7 years of personal emails and email addresses.

Lessons learned? Always back up EVERYTHING and always be the SECOND cab off the rack in an IT roll-out.


So does this count as one more thing on my '50 Things' even though it was inadvertent?

While not within that realm of losing your life, limb or country, there is some indescribable (although I am in the throes of trying to describe it anyway) mourning that is taking place within me. It's a loss that is unique to this century - virtual loss.

But to keep it in perspective, it's more a case of an ongoing "Oh, well" instead of weeping and gnashing of teeth and renting of garments - so Old Testament. Okay, maybe I gnashed and rented and wept a teeny little bit and threw in a few other choice words for a little added drama first and the "Oh, well" came later. And I thank those among you who have shown me the appropriate level of sympathy. That combination of "Thank God that didn't happen to me" mixed with "I feel your pain". Anything more would be ridiculous. Words from the Age to mirror a loss from the Age.

I feel as though a portion of my life has been stripped away - all those chain letters, all those offers to purchase shoes, books, holidays...GONE - gone back into the ether from whence they came. But also gone are the emails from people no longer with me, either separated by death or distance.

And to be honest, it's not that I read them all that often. But knowing they were there was a small measure of comfort. It seems that I have the same desire for virtual clutter as I do for the stuff clogging up my cupboards and drawers.

There was also the issue of the congratulations emails I was saving from the birth of my son. Although the child has no Baby Book, I held on to me holding on to these emails as evidence that I at least had done that for him.

So, like paving Paradise and putting in a parking lot, I won't know what I've got 'til it's gone - or what I had now it's gone as there could be other things in there - not just emails - that have just up and left me.

My emails got run over on the Information Superhighway by the 18 wheeler Behemoth that is Windows 7. Virtual Infanticide.

Rest in bytes.

Oh, well.

Throwing out 50 things...

Just been reading Gail Blanke's Throw Out 50 Things.

Fifty??? I could probably throw out 1 bazillion and 50 and it still might not make a dent in the stuff in my life. However - let's not get all negative before we start as that's a prime example of one of the behaviours I need to throw out: my need to put myself down. Guess what? The emotional stuff - the negative voices, the old scripts one keeps living even though they've been outgrown - they count as things too.

But before I get ahead of myself - and let's face it, most of my humour is based on making some fun of myself so I won't give that up completely because that just wouldn't be fun for anyone - I have actually taken on board what this woman is telling me.

Why her? Why now? Did the planets align? Have I finally kept my New Year's Resolution to "Act Like a Grown-Up"?

Dang it - I think I have.

So - what have I chucked?

[And the killer is that 50 magazines count as ONE THING!!! Oi vey - so it's not as easy as it looks.]

• Old non-stick frying pans that are now stick frying pans - did I somehow think that stray Teflon particles in the atmosphere would find my kitchen and miraculously re-coat my pans??? Out they go.


• Old bakeware - I just had an amazing insight that I don't need chipped Corning Ware baking dishes in 5 different sizes as - guess what? - my mother - Queen of the Baking Dish of Any Size You Desire - LIVES NEXT DOOR. Out they go.


• My non-stick 9" cake tins - I have brand new(-ish) Chicago Metallic cake pans that are MUCH BETTER in my oven and so I don't need those crappy old ones ANY MORE - OUT THEY GO!!!


• Django's Faux Crocs from last summer - and I mean LAST summer as in 2008/09. His feet ain't getting smaller, sunshine. And there's nothing to get sentimental about over skanky pitted rubber shoes. Won't be bronzing those.... out they go.


• My skinny jeans. 'Nuff said. OTG!!!*


• This old navy blue wool coat I dragged home from Alaska that used to belong to my friend Jenee' - she was smart enough not to take it back home to North Carolina - WHY, OH WHY did I think that a coat that was too hot for Raleigh, wouldn't be too hot for Perth, freaking Australia??? It also weighs about 10 kilos so not only have I never worn it, I probably also paid some serious postage to never wear it. Out IT goes...(to be donated to someone with bad circulation 'cause you could LIVE in that coat in the winter - okay, now that's given me a sad 'bag lady' image. But at least she'd be warm.) This is getting bad on so many levels.***


• About 48 kilos of tissue paper. What makes me think that I would ever re-use skanky crushed tissue paper. There's being green and then there's being deluded.


• Old nappies. Unused, you'll be pleased to hear. I cannot be sentimental over a Newborn Baby Love any longer. There weren't millions of them - I'm not a total lunatic - just about 6 total in various sizes. I just really don't know why I was keeping them. In case we all went back in time, I guess. It could happen. It could.


• Books. This is a hard one for me. I love to hang on to books but I must admit that I had a few stinkers that needed to go. Actually I had already taken about 10 to a book exchange and got about $70 in credit for them so that's okay. I'm just not into putting them on eBay and I'm not a swap meet person - it kills me to sell things for 10 cents or a dollar - in a weird way, I'd rather just give it away for free. But the book exchange thing is good - I can do that. Those places don't smell gross like they used to when I was a kid - there's a fine line between Eau de Olde Bookes and Eau de Skanke.
  Funny thing though: when I was sorting my books I came across Cut the Clutter, Peter Walsh's It's All Too Much and Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Big? as well as The Queen of Clean Conquers Clutter. And Simple Steps: 10 Weeks to Getting Control of Your Life: Health, Weight, Home, Spirit . And I say: HUH! Why not them and why Gail Blanke? Is it her engaging wit? She's pretty funny. It is her crazy coiffure? Actually I think I've just figured it out - it's because she reminds me of Nanee Barbara and has that same kick your ass-ness about her coated in love. That's it! She's channeling Nanee. How cool. Nanee though, it has to be said, was probably the biggest pack-rat in the world. Even so, it's something in the way she writes that makes me think of Nanee.


• Magazines. See above. Magazines are magical. I can re-read them over and over and because I have such bad memory retention, they are always new to me. I actually have a theory that the stories change between readings but that's just my kind of crazy. Got rid of a few old IKEA catalogues because I realised I actually own everything in there now.
  [IN AN ASIDE - because I've been known to interrupt myself on occasion - I just bought another bunch of IKEA furniture. I told my friend C that I'd be screwing all weekend and I have. First Micke, who was pretty easy although I got something stuck in him and it took AGES to get it out. Then last night, it was Billy. Wham bang, thank you ma'am. Up he went, nice and erect, in no time at all. And then Billy again today. But this time he was bigger. About twice the size. I still managed to handle him on my own as Sam was out. I put the screws on him and he got himself together and when I put my nails in his back he was done. A bit of IKEA raunch there for my readers' pleasure. Really, it was nothing.]

Okay - so because of the additional IKEA furniture, I've been able to clear through bookcases - and have created some space, both physical as well as mentally. Hence a Picky Bitch posting and everything. See - it does work.

Gotta go now because even though I've cleaned my kitchen - somewhat - that food won't cook itself - damned, stupid food - and I've got to go and apply heat to it and everything.

So - what's my tally? I've also thrown out:

• Video cassettes
• Old shampoos and conditioners - and as a result of cleaning out under the sink, I found the motherlode of NEW shampoo and conditioner bottles - I will not need to buy hair cleaning products until 2012 - and once the end of the world comes, who'll need more, right?
• Skank-fest old toothbrushes - I mean, I use them to clean my tile but only need one at a time - I am not Edward Toothbrushhands, for pete's sake
• Papers - YE OLDE BANKE STATEMENTES from 1873 - on parchment and everything...
• Not one but TWO rusted spring-form pans
• Single socks - 437 single socks
• Random cardboard boxes. The accumulation is because of my kids' penchant for 'making things' out of them. Enough of pandering to their ways!

17 things that I can think of right now.

Not bad.

*Out they go.

***Am getting tired of the whole rousing 'OUT THEY GO' thing so I won't do that anymore - you get the picture.

And in an embarassing PS I also threw out a bunch of 'flours' - about 6 kilos of completely moth and larvae infested flours. Seems as though pantry moths are an equal opportunity insect as they infested the regular flour with as much alacrity as the spelt and rye. In a complete more-lunatic-than-usual-even-for-me lunacy, I purchased all this flour in the weeks prior to going overseas, thinking idiot thoughts that I would have the time to bake some bread. You wouldn't want to eat the bread I would have baked with that flour. Vegetarians wouldn't eat it, that's for sure. Erk. So that makes 18, 19 if you count the moths. 20 if you count the larvae as a separate item.

Have I really been having fun? Is that why the time has flown?

So yes.

We all know.

It's been a while.

Okay - so that bit's over. Don't even really know what to say. Life is pretty good. Work is okay. My kids never listen to anything I say but apart from that total lack of respect, I think they love me.

My husband loves me and I love him. I may not have been able to say that with such certainty a year ago.

We have lost another man in the family and it's almost a year since my Zio Mick died.

I wish I commemorated my Dad's 10th anniversary in a joyful way but I just have to realise that my family is not that way. We don't 'do' celebrations around death.

I had an interesting discussion with my eight-year-old daughter who was in an existential mood, "Mum, why are we here? Why this planet? Is there anyone else out there?"

This 42-year-old would love to have had the answers but I had none. Just more questions.